One would think that the life of an older, unemployed grandmother, living by herself would be pretty quiet and relatively boring. I suppose if I were a normal older grandmother living alone, that might be the case. But, no, after last night I'm pretty much thinking that boring wouldn't be a bad thing. First of all, I'm not really alone. I may not enjoy the pleasure of a soft shoulder to fall asleep on at night, but I have a house full of life. Last night is a perfect example. Let me elaborate. First, that nice soft shoulder that I used to fall asleep on has taught me to practice a powerful sense of self preservation. This explains the elaborate security system of cameras and alarms that monitors my home at all times. Once it's armed, I don't think a well trained Navy Seal could get past it. Heck, I've been known to set it off myself by accident a time or two and I know it's there. So, I'm set for the night. I'm snuggled in bed sandwiched in with a dog on each side and a cat at my feet. I've just drifted off to sleep when my active Mom subconscience (you all know what I'm talking about) hears a beep from the alarm, the kind it makes when I first come in from the garage and it signals me that I have 10 seconds to enter the disarm code or suffer the consequences. Now I'm awake and my heart is racing way too fast for someone my age. I'm slipping my legs over the side of the bed, one hand on the shotgun I keep next to my headboard. (What? My nickname is Calamity Jane, you expected anything less?) I start to walk towards the bedroom door when I come fully awake and realize that when I'm alone in the house, I set the alarm with a no delay entry. If someone had opened the door, that mother would be screaming like a whore in church. About the time I realize there's probably not someone in the house, my phone beeps and says there's a voicemail. It didn't even ring, that's weird. It's 1:30 in the morning. The only person that might call me at 1:30 in the morning is Jay. Now my recently slowed heart rate accelerates to dangerous speed again. What could be wrong? The voicemail was not from Jay, whew! It was my security monitoring company. They were informing me that there was a non emergency signal from my security system. Really? Thanks for informing me of the obvious. Now I realize that the nice, comforting warming light I have installed in my hen house to ensure the little darlings are warm and cozy (never mind they haven't layed an egg in two weeks) has probably tripped the gfci receptacle in the garage and cut power to the security system. (Don't you love it when I use electrical speak?) Now, I'm padding about in the garage at 1:30 in the morning in my bare feet around the cars and to the gfci receptacle and I push the little reset button. Pop! As quick as I push it, the stinking light trips it again. So I pad my way back around the cars to where the cord to the light is plugged in and pull it from the receptacle. The chickens were going to have to snuggle if they wanted to be warm. (Snuggle with each other, not me and the dogs and cat.) Then I padded back around the cars and pushed the little button, and voila` it held. I pad my way back around the cars and into the house where I re-arm the now functioning security system. It's now 2:30 in the morning. I find my way back to the bedroom where three pairs of eyes gaze at me sleepily as I try to wriggle my way back into the animal sandwich. Once I'm settled, I sigh, take a deep breath and then stare helplessly at the ceiling and wait for sleep to come, without success. Now I'm wide awake. My legs are jumping and my mind is racing. I look at the clock and now it's 3:30 in the morning. Lucky for me I finally fall asleep....30 minutes before my alarm goes off. Of course this would be the one day I had to get up early. Am I a little grumpy? To say the least! I am so glad I live the quiet, boring life of an unemployed grandmother who lives "alone".
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