It’s an interesting observation as I get older to realize
how many distinct personalities I can fit into one body and still manage to not
be deemed a clinical schizophrenic.
Maybe they were always there and there was just too much noise going on
outside of my head for me to hear them.
Maybe they have come to live gradually over time, who knows. All I know is they are there. One of my particular favorites is the stand
up comedian. She thinks there is no
situation that cannot be made better by a joke.
She wears a perpetual grin and can find something funny to say about
anything. Now, not everyone around her
thinks she is funny, but she thinks she is and that’s all that really
matters. I have discovered there is a
scared little girl who skulks around in the shadows. She is terrified of the wind and things that
go bump in the night. She still holds
firm to the belief that if you pull the covers up to your chin and you don’t
let your arms or legs hang out, then nothing can hurt you. But, she sleeps with the lamp on…just in
case. There’s a mom type in there. She’s the one who remains cool and calm at
the sight of blood spurting from an open wound.
She actually has a sub personality as well. While she stands there in any given situation
looking calm, cool, and collected….never breaking a sweat…..there’s another
woman inside of her screaming at the top of her lungs, “oh my gosh! Oh my
gosh! Crap, Crap Crap! Somebody get in here and take care of this
before my head explodes and you have to clean brain matter off the walls!” We try NEVER to let that woman out. There is the wife. Thank Heaven for her or nothing would ever
get done. She is the responsible one who
makes sure the bills are paid, the laundry gets done, the house isn’t declared
unfit to inhabit, and there are some fruits and vegetables in the fridge. She loves her husband and makes sure he knows
he is the most important thing in her world.
She’s kind of boring, but I couldn’t survive without her. And of course there is the polite,
professional, business woman. She knows
how to schmooze the right people, say the right thing and she can hold her own
with her peers. Always firm, but never
offensive…..unless she’s right, she’s knows it, and she can prove it. Then you better stand back unless you plan to
lose a limb. (I kind of like her
too). Which brings to mind the gun totin’,
duck shootin’, fish catchin’, hillbilly.
She doesn’t like makeup and never worries about her hair. A hat and some good camoflauge is all that is
required. However, every woman has an
inner princess as well, who…at times… doesn’t mind so much fixing her hair, putting on
some make up, having her nails and toes painted and walking that hypothetical
runway. I don’t care who you are, the
princess is always in there. Sometimes
she’s hidden deeper in some people than in others, but trust me, if I have an
inner princess, every woman has one. There’s
the farmer who likes to wear a beat up cowboy hat, leather gloves and listen to
her IPod at extremely loud volumes while she weeds her potatoes, hoes her corn,
and picks the weeds out of the strawberry patch. She doesn’t even care how ridiculous she
looks while she mows her tiny front lawn with her giant tractor lawn mower and
forgets that just because she can’t hear other people, doesn’t mean they can’t
hear her when she sings out loud with the extremely loud IPod. Oh, and don’t forget that this woman tends to
the chickens and the dogs and the cat and the birds and carries 50 lb bags of
animal feed around on her shoulder. The
woman I think I like the most is the eternal 17 year old. She is no stranger to me. She has always been there, but most of the
time the other women keep her chained up somewhere….until lately. Maybe it comes with age, I’m not sure, but as
time goes by the 17 year old gets stronger and all the others seem to weaken a
little. In my mind the 17 year old is
thin, with powerful, shapely legs, arms and firm buttocks. She has long blonde hair that waves slightly
in the breeze whether the wind is blowing or not. She has no boundaries. She has no fear. She is the one responsible for the camping,
hiking, exploring, muscle driving adventures.
She is the one who sits on the back of a motorcycle with the wind
blowing in her face, hurtling down the highway looking at the back of Jay’s
helmet, with nothing between her and the hard asphalt but the machine beneath
her and the clothes covering her. She is
the one who rides through the streets of town in her ATV wearing a t shirt that
says, “the police don’t think this is as funny as I do” on the back of it. There are no restraints and there is that
always present sense of danger that keeps the adrenaline pumping through her
veins. In the past we all tried to
ignore her. She was irrational, irresponsible,
careless, crazy, unreliable. But as the
other women tend to age, she never does.
Now, to every ying there is a yang and there is one personality that
rules all the others. She is the old
lady. She is the hoarse, gravelly voice
that screeches, “get off that motorcycle you idiot. Are you trying to kill yourself? You can’t ride a motorcycle. You are too old.” She loves to point out how my feet and knees
hurt when I’m trying to hike. She loves
to tell me that I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of a good movie, and
usually at the most critical place in the story. She blurs my vision so I can’t read the small
print and sets my nerves on edge when there are a lot of people around. She gives me heartburn when I eat raw onions
and laughs when I stumble and trip over a crack in the sidewalk. She is an evil old hag who is the only one
who seems to compete with the 17 year old. Sometimes people look at me and I seem to be staring off in to space, unaware of my surroundings. The truth is, I have all these people inside of me, all talking at the same time and I am trying to figure out which one I should listen to. At least I never get lonely. I don't have a problem with them all being in there. Sometimes it feels crowded and frustrating trying to figure out who I am, but..... I have a request of all the personalities
inside of me. I beg you all to get
together and in one combined effort, please, please, please……SHUT THE OLD LADY
UP!
I
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