I have lost my muse. That’s what I call it when my faith becomes weak and I can’t find the courage to go on. I have learned over these many years that writing is my drug of choice. I have a gift with words, the ability to take emotions, thoughts and feelings and express them on the written page. Lately I have lost my faith and when it left, so did my desire to write anything. I used to write down my prayers because it seemed to focus them better then trying to form them in my head. Seeing the words on paper gave them true substance and in giving them substance, I felt it gave them power. I used to enjoy “socializing” with my friends on facebook. I used to think they were interested in my escapades and little thoughts. I used to have fun taking part in their conversations. I used to be able to express ideas or images in such amazing detail that another person could read those words and see and feel exactly what I was seeing and feeling. But one day, in one moment, in one tragic event, in one circumstance, my faith was destroyed. That faith that held it all together like glue. That faith that helped me continue to fight for what seemed like a hopeless cause. That faith that helped me to say the right thing at the right time to help someone else who might feel their own faith slipping away. Like an explosion, this single event blasted all my faith and my hope into a pile of ash that then blew away with the slightest of breezes. Now, here I sit feeling empty and lost and wondering how, or even if, there is any way to regain that faith and if not, how I will fill this hole that I have inside.
So, if this were a prayer, and I’m not sure what that even means any more, but if this were a prayer, here is what I would say.
"Please hold me close until I find my way. Please show me the path to follow to the well where I can fill this empty place inside my soul. Please heal my heart and the hearts of those who I have injured that they may once again feel safe inside my circle." Amen
1 comment:
I'm not sure what you're going through, but I remember a time about a year ago when I felt a hole inside of me. I felt like I was walking around blind, praying that I would find something to fill the void. I remember I saw a preview for the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and in the preview she said, "I want to find something I can marvel at". When I heard that I wished that I too could find something to marvel at- that maybe it would fill the hole inside of me. I thought on this for a few weeks when I finally realized that I was looking out into the world to fill the void when the only true and permanant way the void could be filled was with the help and love of the Savior. Anything else is temporary and fleeting. I realized I needed to focus my efforts more on building my relationship with the Savior and Heavenly Father if I wanted to feel full and at peace. When I go through rough patches, I remember this lesson I learned and I hear Elder Holland's voice in my head saying, "Don't you quit. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. And some don't come till heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." I really believe with all my heart that these words are true. You are so loved!
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